Lesson
Five: Introductions
The introduction
is the first sentence of your essay and it plays the dual role
of setting the theme of your essay and engaging the reader.
The introduction should not be overly formal. You do not want
an admissions officer to start reading your essay and think, “here
we go again.” Although admissions officers will try to give
the entire essay a fair reading, they are only human -- if
you lose them after the first sentence, the rest of your essay
will not get the attention it deserves.
General
Tips
-
Don’t
Say Too Much. Just tell the story! Your introduction
should not be so complex and so lengthy that it loses
the reader before they even start. You have the rest
of the essay to say what you want. There’s no need
to pack it all into the first sentence. This leads
to the next tip…
-
Don't
Start Your Essay with a Summary. If you summarize,
the admissions officer does not need to read the rest
of your essay. You want to start your essay with something
that makes the reader want to read until the very end.
Once you have drawn the reader in through the first
one to three sentences, the last sentence in your introductory
paragraph should explain clearly and briefly what the
point of the whole essay is. That is, why you are using
this person, place, or thing. What does it say about
you?
-
Create
Mystery or Intrigue in your Introduction. It is
not necessary or recommended that your first sentence
give away the subject matter. Raise questions in the
minds of the admissions officers to force them to read
on. Appeal to their senses and emotions to make them
relate to your subject matter.
Types
of Introductions
Please
select a link below for examples and descriptions of various
introductions.
Note:
The below essays were not edited by EssayEdge Editors. They
appear as they were initially reviewed by admissions officers.
Academic
Introduction: This
is the type of introduction you would use for a standardized
test or a history paper. A typical standard introduction
answers one or more of the six basic questions: who, what,
when, where, why, and how. It gives the reader an idea
of what to expect. You should try to stay away from simply
restating the question unless you are limited by a word
count and need to get to the point quickly. Your basic
academic introduction or thesis statement is best used
as the follow-up sentence to one of the more creative introductions
described below.
Examples:
One
of the greatest challenges I've had to overcome was moving
from Iran to the United States. Iran was in deep political
turmoil when I left, as it is today.
EssayEdge
Says: This
introduction is clear and to the point, and will prepare
your reader for the ideas you want to discuss. However,
it is rather unexciting and will not immediately engage
your reader. As mentioned, you should try to preface
it with a more creative statement. In addition, it makes
one typical error. One should usually avoid using contractions
in a formal essay, for example, “I’ve.”
Through
all of my accomplishments and disappointments, I have
always been especially proud of the dedication and fervor
I possess for my personal beliefs and values.
EssayEdge
Says: This
is a very effective introduction to an essay about your
personality. Mentioning pride is a good way to indicate
how important your beliefs and values are to you. In
a sentence like this, however, it would be better to
use “Throughout” rather than “Through.” “Throughout” better
expresses the widespread, expansive tone you want to
give this sentence.
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Creative
Introduction: A
creative introduction catches the reader off-guard with
an opening statement that leaves the reader smiling or
wondering what the rest of the essay contains.
Examples:
Imagine
yourself a freshman in high school, beginning your independence.
As the oldest child, I was the first to begin exploring
the worlds of dating, extra-curricular clubs and upperclassmen.
However, one afternoon my parents sat my two sisters
and me down. They said…
EssayEdge
Says: The
power of this introduction is that it places the reader
in your shoes, making him or her more interested in what
takes place in the rest of the essay. Its main mistake
is that its informality gives the essay a slightly hokey
or corny tone. Although a greater degree of informality
is allowed in a creative essay, you must be careful not
to take it too far.
I
am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my
lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area
of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban
refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days
in a row.
EssayEdge
Says: This
introduction is both creative and effective. It amuses
the reader by listing a bizarre and probably fictitious
set of achievements, thus demonstrating the writer’s
imagination (and poking fun at the admissions process).
At the same time, its light tone avoids sounding too
obnoxious. As a note, you should remember that good use
of semicolons will impress your reader: “I translate
ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees; I write award-winning
operas; I manage time efficiently.”
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Action
Introduction: An
Action Introduction takes the reader into the middle of
an action sequence. By not building up to the story, it
forces the reader to read on to find out not only the significance
of this moment in time, but what led up to and followed
it. It is perfect for short essays where space must be
conserved or for narrative essays that begin with a story.
Examples:
I
promised God I would eat all my peas, but He didn’t care.
A confused eleven-year-old girl, I sat and listened to
my father pace. With each heavy step echoing loudly throughout
the silent house, my family’s anxiety and anticipation
mounted while awaiting news of my grandfather's health.
My heart racing, I watched the clock, amazed that time
could crawl so slowly. Finally, the telephone interrupted
the house’s solemn silence. I heard my father repeating
the words "yes, yes, of course." He then hung
up the receiver and announced my grandfather's death
and cancer's victory.
EssayEdge
Says: This
is the kind of introduction that will immediately intrigue
your reader because it begins with a very unusual declaration.
The image of a little girl eating peas and hoping to
acquire God’s help is charming while hinting at the solemnity
of the situation described.
Surrounded
by thousands of stars, complete silence, and spectacular
mountains, I stood atop New Hampshire's Presidential
Range, awestruck by nature's beauty. Immediately, I realized
that I must dedicate my life to understanding the causes
of the universe's beauty.
EssayEdge
Says: The
first ten words of this essay will catch your reader’s
attention, mainly because they create a mental image
of perfect natural beauty. Note that you should try to
avoid repeating key words. In this instance, it would
be easy to avoid repeating the word “beauty.” You could
simply use “magnificence” or “loveliness” instead.
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Dialogue
Introduction: Like
the action introduction, the dialogue introduction brings
the reader directly into the action, only this time in
the form of dialogue. If you are writing about an influential
figure in your life, you can mention a quote from this
person that exemplifies the importance that he or she had
on your life.
Examples:
"You
must stop seeing that Russian girl, " I ordered
my brother when he returned home last summer from the
University of Indianapolis. Echoing the prejudiced, ignorant
sentiment that I had grown up with, I believed it was
wrong to become seriously involved with a person who
does not follow the Hindu religion and is not a member
of the Indian race.
EssayEdge
Says: Multicultural
awareness is a key aspect of fitting in well at a university,
and admissions officers are very aware of this. Thus,
it is an excellent idea to mention how you expanded your
cultural sensitivity. Beginning the essay by admitting
that you were once less tolerant is a compelling way
to demonstrate just how much you have grown as a person.
On
the verge of losing consciousness, I asked myself: "Why
am I doing this?" Why was I punishing my body? I
had no answer; my mind blanked out from exhaustion and
terror. I had no time to second-guess myself with a terrifying
man leaning over my shoulder yelling: "You can break
six minutes!" As flecks of spit flew from his mouth
and landed on the handle bar of the ergometer, I longed
to be finished with my first Saturday rowing practice
and my first fifteen-hundred-meter “erg test.”
EssayEdge
Says: The
power of this introduction comes from its attention to
detail. The question “Why am I doing this?” gains support
from every horrible detail: the exhaustion, the terrifying
man, and the specks of spit flying from his mouth! With
such strong supporting evidence, the quotation takes
on a life of its own. Your reader will find himself thinking, “Why
would anyone do that? I’d like to find out…”
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Overarching
Societal Statements: Rather
than using a traditional thesis statement you can put forth
a societal observation that ties into the theme of your
essay. This can be very effective if the statement is unique
and gives a glimpse into how you view the world. It can
be detrimental if your statement is debatable or unclear.
Make sure that if you use this form of introduction that
no admissions office will take offense to it.
Examples:
High
school is a strange time. After three years of trying
to develop an identity and friends in middle school,
students are expected to mature immediately on the first
day of ninth grade.
EssayEdge
Says: Be
careful not to make statements in your introduction that
seem too exaggerated or unrealistic. After all, no one
expects a student to immediately mature on the first
day of ninth grade. Moreover, if your reader senses that
you attained most of your maturity at the beginning of
high school, he or she might be less than impressed with
your character development. It would be better to state, “students
are expected to enter a new environment in which they
must function with far greater maturity.”
To
this day, the United States remains driven by the American
Dream, and we often hear of immigrants who come to this
country to search for opportunities that their native
countries lack. In these tales, immigrants succeed through
hard work, dedication, and a little luck. As idealistic
as the story may seem, I have been fortunate enough to
experience its reality in the life of one very important
man. His example has had great impact on my personal
expectations and goals, and the manner in which I approach
my own life.
EssayEdge
Says: This
is an excellent way to introduce a discussion of a person
who has influenced you significantly. Instead of launching
immediately into a list of this man’s excellent qualities
and admirable accomplishments, this introduction lays
the foundation for a comprehensive look at just why the
man had such a profound impact on you. It also places
the most importance on the American Dream, as is fitting
in an essay like this one.
Art
is a reflection of one's self-identity in the most unaffected
manner. Because art is very personal, it has no right
or wrong. The type of art that has influenced me most
is music.
EssayEdge
Says: The
first two sentences in this introduction set the kind
of tone you want to maintain throughout your essay: introspective
and creative. However, it moves on to a very boring and
stilted structure in the third sentence. To keep the
tone creative, you could replace that sentence with the
following: “Although artistic expression can take many
forms, it is music that has captivated me.”
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Personal
Introduction: The
Personal Introduction takes the reader directly into your
mind. It says, “This is what it is like to be me. Let me
take you to my little world.” Since there is a little voyeur
in even the most stern admissions officer, this type of
introduction can be very effective. It is always in the
first person and usually takes an informal, conversational
tone:
Examples:
At
times, I think the world around me is crumbling to the
ground, but it never does. Like most people, I face the
crunches of deadlines and endless demands on my time,
but I have never encountered the type of adversity that
can crush people, that can drive people crazy, that can
drive them to suicide.
EssayEdge
Says: This
introduction is indeed compelling, but it raises important
questions about appropriate content. Be careful to avoid
writing a personal essay that is far too personal. You
do not want your reader to think that you might have
character weaknesses that prevent you from handling stressful
situations well.
I
chuckle to myself every time I think about this. I am
perceived as a mild-mannered, intelligent individual
until I mention that I am involved in riflery.
EssayEdge
Says: Did
the first sentence of this introduction confuse you?
This was no doubt its intention. By creating a little
mystery in the first sentence, the reader is forced to
keep reading and keep wondering, “what is this kid’s
secret?” until the final word, which pops in the reader’s
mind, sort of like a gunshot: “riflery.”
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Question
Introduction: Many
admissions essays begin with a question. While this is
an easy way to begin an essay, admissions officers may
perceive it as a “lazy introduction.” No one wants to read
an essay that begins with such tacky material as: “To be
or not to be?” or “Are you looking for an applicant who
has drive and determination? Well, I’m your guy.” If you
are going to use a question, make sure that it is an extremely
compelling one and that your experiences provide answers.
Example:
Influence?
Why is it that the people who influence us most influence
us in ways that are not easily quantified? Through her
work with abused children, my mother has shown me the
heroism of selfless dedication to a worthy cause.
EssayEdge
Says: With
one word, this introduction takes an essay question about
the person who has most influenced you and turns it back
around to the admissions board. In effect, you are telling
them that you have thought about their question thoroughly.
You have thought about it for so long that you have a
couple of questions of your own - questions that have
sparked an interesting commentary.
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Quotation
Introduction: Many
writers are tempted to start their essay with a quote.
You should try to resist this temptation, as most quotes
will look forced. Admissions officers will be turned off
if it is apparent that you searched through a book of famous
quotes and came up with a quote from some famous philosopher
about whom you know nothing. The quotation introduction
is most effective when the quote you choose is unusual,
funny, or obscure, not too long, and from those to whom
you are closest. Choose a quote with a meaning you plan
to reveal to the reader as the essay progresses. The admissions
committee is interested in how you respond to the quote
and what that response says about you.
Examples:
John
F. Kennedy said, "Ask not what your country can
do for you; ask what you can do for your country." I
see academics as a similar two-way interaction: in the
classroom, I will do much more than take up valuable
space. Because of the broad range of experiences I have
had, my knowledge of many subjects is thorough. These
experiences will help me perform well in any class, as
I have learned how to use my time efficiently.
EssayEdge
Says: This
is a risky quote with which to begin an essay. After
all, it is difficult to imagine a more time-worn or oft-repeated
statement. However, this introduction goes on to apply
this quote in a relatively unique manner. The contrast
between such a standard quotation and such an interesting
application will likely catch your reader’s attention.
"Experience
is what you receive when you don’t get what you want." I
remembered my father’s words as I tried to postpone the
coming massacre. Just as during the fall of the Roman
Empire, my allies became enemies and my foes turned into
partners. In fast and furious action with property changing
hands again and again, I rested my fate on the words
of one man, hoping he would rescue me from this dangerous
tailspin. Do these experts realize the heartbreak they
are inflicting on my young life? While the uncertainty
of tomorrow’s attire is the most pressing concern for
many seventeen-year-olds, I must worry about much greater
issues! It is August 31, the market is down over 300
points and the value of my stock portfolio is falling
fast.
EssayEdge
Says: Quoting
a person with whom you enjoy a close relationship is
generally preferable to quoting a famous source. This
passage’s strength comes from the brief, understated
role that the quote plays. The short statement introduces
the rest of the paragraph and presents the fundamental
point, and then the essay moves on to examine specific
details. This is the ideal role of a quotation.
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Now it’s
your turn. Select one of the above styles (or make up your
own) and try to write an introduction to your essay. Spend
some time picking the right style and choosing the best words
possible.
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